May 2, 2021. Paris.
a few years ago, my ex-boyfriend told me one day: « there are people in this world who leave their jobs, leave everything behind, to go travel the world and build another life somewhere else, and i think it’s great. but i’m not one of them. »
i remember arguing with him about it. he was passionnate about food and cooking, but was working in finance. he had a great salary, a great apartment, a great outside life. and i couldn’t understand that. i didn’t get why he was not doing what he loved. i judged him super quickly and labeled him as being afraid, as not being brave enough to do what he wanted with his life.
i have tons of examples of people i met in my life that i labeled as being afraid. maybe they were, maybe they were not. one thing is for sure, it has never been my place to judge them. another thing is for sure, i was just seeing in them what i couldn’t see in myself, what i wasn’t ready to deal with, maybe i was the one who was afraid.
since i was seeing that in them, i made it my main source of motivation. i didn’t want to be one of these people that were afraid to live their lives. i wanted to live my best life, i wanted to give myself the life i deserved, i wanted to overcome all the fears that would get in my way.
for the past ten years, when i felt that i wasn’t where i was supposed to be, when it didn’t feel right, when i felt unsure, lost, at a crossroad, i always ask myself these questions: what decision scares me the most? what would i do if i wasn’t afraid?
these questions have been my very close friend, a shadow, something i could always go back to to know where i should go, what move i should do, what decision i should take. these questions made me quit my job many times, sell all my belongings, end some relationships, commit to others, travel the world, create different blogs, become a freelance writer, go on dates, teach yoga, move to new countries, open a yoga studio, launch my newsletter, and counting.
these questions are very present in my daily life as well. i’m always double-checking with myself: don’t i want to do that because it doesn’t feel right or because i’m afraid?
i learned to get to know my fears, to acknowledge them, to listen to what they were saying, to embrace them. sometimes i find the strength to hold my own hand and to do it anyway, and sometimes i don’t. sometimes i’m aware that i’m not doing what i want to do because i’m afraid, and sometimes i hide behind many super valid excuses.
for the past six months, i’ve been using these questions to help me decide what to do and where to go. i’ve been asking myself again and again what i was the most afraid of doing, hoping that once again my fears would lead the way. but it didn’t work this time, it felt like my fears were not that scary anymore, or — what i understood just recently — that my fears were not where i thought they were anymore.
it doesn’t feel scary to move to another country and start a new life anymore. it just feels exhausting. and somehow, i wonder if i ever felt afraid of doing that. was i leaving my jobs, leaving everything behind, going travel the world and building another life somewhere else because this is what i was afraid of doing? or because i wanted to be one of these people able to do it?
the past few years have been incredible years for me, invaluable experiences, magical discoveries about myself, i learned most of what i teach, most of what i know about myself. i feel deeply grateful for every decision i made. i’m just wondering: was i completely honest about my motives? about my why?
slowly in the past few months, i noticed a new question arising in my thoughts, a new question that has been a bit frightening and deeply eye-opening: what would i do if i wasn’t looking for recognition?
i’ve always asked myself why i wanted to do what i wanted to do, i’ve always tried to do things for the right reasons, but the need of recognition is super sneaky. it hides in some very unknown corners of myself, waiting to be fed at every opportunity. getting in touch with my need of recognition has been the most freeing experience i’ve lived so far. i literally started realizing things like:
maybe i don’t have to write a book that would be translated in twenty-six languages and be a worldwide hit. maybe i can just write a book that would bring joy to my neighbors and family and have so much pleasure writing it.
maybe i don’t need to be the best yoga teacher in Paris, maybe i can just teach yoga to my neighbors and family, give them so much love and let them pass that to their neighbors and families.
maybe i don’t need to meet the perfect guy that checks all the boxes i unconsciously want him to check. maybe i can just let myself be surprised and let life surprise me.
maybe i don’t need to move in a far far away country, in the middle of nature, cutting myself off everything and everybody i know. maybe i can just see what i have where i am, receive it and make it my own.
i realized the invisible, but very tangible, pressure i was putting on myself. i realized that my fear was right here, in my blind side, where i couldn’t see it, where i wasn’t ready to acknowledge it. i realized that i was deeply afraid of not living my best life, i was deeply afraid of not being seen as living my best life.
maybe i don’t have to live my best life, maybe i just have to do my best at living.
last week, i’ve found a picture of me as a 11 year-old little girl. i’m seated on the couch of my childhood home, in the south of France, my mother is next to me with my youngest brother as a baby on her lap. in the background, there is this display on a shelf, a display i had built showing beads bracelets and necklaces i had created and wanted to sell to my neighbors. the display is made of cardboard that i had covered with white paper. every bracelet and necklace is pinned, and i had written the price of every item next to it. i don’t remember selling many bracelets, but i remember the excitement i felt creating each piece and the fire in my heart putting them on the display. i remember the pride i felt showing my display all around.
if i wasn’t looking for recognition, i’d do exactly that. i’d share what i love doing with my neighbors and family. i’d create a little shop to sell what i create with my hands, teach yoga, write, help people express who they are and what they have to say. not looking to be the best, not looking to be seen as the best, just feeling this fire in my heart again.
so this is what i’m going to do.
i’ve been more productive in the past three days working on my little shop than in the past six months. my mind wants me to believe that i’ve been lazy and that i could have done that sooner. it’s not true. i needed these six months to free myself from my need of recognition, to see that it was there, to ask why it was there, to give myself what i needed to help me go through the process. i needed these six months to navigate through myself toward my decision of creating a little shop. until one day, the idea was there, i was ready.
what would you do if you weren’t looking for recognition?
let this question open all the doors for you, let this question ask new questions. is there something you’ve been dying to share with the world? is it because you wanted to share it with the world that it became scary and too much? can you just start by sharing it with your neighbors and family?
you don’t need to live your best life, you just need to do your best at living.
i am with you,
Camille
ps: of course, i’ll tell you more very soon about my little shop.
i’m part of a beautiful event next Sunday — 9th of May — that i’m very happy to share with you. my beautiful friend Mara has been organizing for three years already a Yoga Marathon to help feed and educate children in Zambia. eight classes of yoga are happening throughout the day on Zoom. you can join from anywhere in the world. you can join one class or several, you can also donate without joining any classes. each class is 13€ (CHF 15 - 16,5$) and all of it goes to the association Life Begins Africa.
i’ll be teaching a Yin Yoga class from 17:00 to 18:00, Paris time.
find more details here: tasis.ch/yogamarathon and feel free to contact me if you have any questions. i hope to see you there!
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Thank you
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. Congratulations on the shop 💛