June 6, 2021. Paris.
i’m seated at my little desk in my new home. i moved in my new apartment a week ago. i’m looking out of the window, it is a quiet Sunday, it is a sunny Sunday. Paris is such a beautiful city on quiet and sunny Sundays. spending the month of August in Paris has always been one of my favorite thing to do. i don’t feel home yet, but i’m on my way.
when i left Tel Aviv last September, two of my close friends told me that they could tell i had a super strong inner home, a beautiful place inside of my heart in which i felt safe enough to stand up for myself and fight for what i believe in. as a goodbye gift, they offered me a rug to put in my next house. the rug is in my kitchen now.
i haven’t felt home for a while, and it’s been an unsettling feeling. i haven’t felt home in my inner house for a while, i haven’t felt me. and i wondered many times if i actually needed to have an outside home — a physical one — to find the way back to my inner home. i can’t tell. but i met this amazing woman a month ago, a beautiful soul, she said that when a flower doesn’t grow where she is, we don’t blame the flower, we change the environment. this was the moment when i decided to look for an apartment for myself. i feel deeply grateful to have stayed at my mother’s house for a few months, but somehow beliefs and stories, some old patterns and memories got in the way of my ability to bloom. and i want to bloom. i want to plant my roots as deep as life will allow me to and bloom.
so here i am, on my way back to myself. i know it’s going to take me some time, some patience, and practice. i’m ok with that. it feels like i’m driving a beautiful car, on a sunny day, the landscape is stunning, the road is still long but i know the direction. it reminds me of a road trip i’ve made a few years ago. i spent a month in San Francisco in 2015, walking around and writing a book that i never let anyone read - ha!. i rented a car and drove around California for a week. i was by myself, in this huge convertible car, i drove all the way down the Highway 1 and stopped in Big Sur, and Carmel, and San Luis Obispo, and Los Angeles. it was just me. i had just myself to take care of myself. i could feel some fears here and there, but most times it was just freedom and joy and complete independence. it taught me what life was truly about. it made me realize that life was nothing more than driving yourself around. getting behind the wheel of your humanity and driving your soul around. some days the road is magical, some other days it is bumpy. some days you know the direction, you have a map. but most days, you’re just travelling around, doing your best not to get lost. until the day you realize that there is no other destination than yourself.
life is nothing more than driving yourself home to yourself.
i haven’t been home for a while. i got lost on the way and while i was lost, i’ve found new friends, new books, new adventures. while i was lost, i’ve found the idea of creating my little online shop. and while i’m writing this, i’m preparing for the photoshoot i’m doing this afternoon. i spent the last few weeks making and unmaking beads bracelets and necklaces, creating a collection, and trying, and questioning, and thinking about packaging and shipping. in a few days i hope, my little shop will be online. i can hear all these voices in my head telling me that this is ridiculous, that this is a stupid idea, that i’m not inventing anything, that it’s not that beautiful, that people will laugh and judge. i’m doing my best not to listen. because i know, i know that when i’m home, these voices don’t matter at all. they just don’t.
since i had to stop writing this to start the photoshoot, here are some of the pictures we took this afternoon. it’s still raw and i’ll need some time to integrate everything on the website. but i’m happy to share them with you already. since you were there in the very first steps of this project.
i’ll write more soon. going back to myself feels a lot like writing you this newsletter.
i send you so much love,
i am with you, always.
Camille
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I can feel you 100% Camille. Yes, stop listening to those voices, because they are misleading you! I can’t wait to purchase your beautiful creations! Love you! ❤️