June 27, 2021. Paris.
last week, i came home in the middle of the afternoon. i dropped my bags and went to wash my hands. a few minutes later i realized that i was brushing my teeth. i looked at myself in the mirror and wondered where i had been, i had no recollection of grabbing my toothbrush, or putting paste on it, or starting brushing my teeth. not only i hadn’t been present at all, but i was also doing something i didn’t need or plan to do. it felt like there was a short-circuit in my system, like my automatic pilot was seriously disoriented. it made my mind feel very confused and scared, and my heart smile.
i’ve been very absent lately, absent from myself, caught up in my thoughts. writing has been impossible. focusing has been impossible. having a conversation while being present, actively listening, has been impossible. even sometimes responding to a text seems challenging. my mind keeps jumping from one thing to another, i need to do things, and to think about other things, and to tell people stuffs, and to find solutions to problems i don’t even have. i write endless to-do lists and freak out about non-existent events. mostly about furnitures for my apartment and how to clean the tiny space under my fridge that i can’t reach. i’m aware. even though i don’t feel quite ready to fight back, i’m totally aware that i’m letting myself being possessed by my mind.
like everything else in life, presence comes and goes. connection comes and goes. and only because it sometimes goes, we can know when it comes. presence implies absence. connection implies disconnection. it’s all part of the same entity.
i don’t like it so much though. i feel very slow when i’m stuck in my mind, i have no energy, i don’t want to do anything, my body is heavy, my emotions are heavy, the world is even heavier to carry, as if i had to carry it all by myself. who’s going to change the world if not me, huh? being stuck in my mind makes me believe that i have things to achieve, that people spend their days thinking about me — only half-exaggerating — and that what i have now is not enough. being stuck in my mind makes me believe that there is somewhere i need to go. it makes me feel restless.
being stuck in my mind also makes me feel like i’m back at being an old version of myself, trapped in some parallel reality where all that i have been working on and realizing and changing don’t exist anymore.
it makes me laugh. not a big laugh, i’d be lying. a sarcastic laugh. the kind of laugh that says : “ok it was a fun experience, take me home now”.
i’ve always been looking for a finish line. i’ve been searching for years to arrive somewhere, anywhere. to reach a final state of presence, of balance, of connection, of happiness. to find the right place to live, the right activities to do, the right job, the right dreams, the right people to surround myself with, and to just stay there until i die. or at least for a little while.
i’ve always felt that life was so exhausting, that going back and forth from being me to not being me, from being present and connected to being stuck in my mind, was a continuous fight and that i just wanted to find a place, a space where i could rest and enjoy living.
i’ve been consciously knowing for a long time now that there is no finish line. and that this was exactly where the beauty of life lies. but somehow i’m still searching. my mind keeps asking the same question: is this it? — as in: is this the right place to live? is this the right guy to date? is this the right job to do? are you really happy now? don’t you want something more? don’t you think you could have more and be happier? i have this disdainful voice in the very back of my mind constantly saying: so that’s it? that’s what you’re going to settle for? all this fuss for that?
i’ve been searching for years to find a place where my mind would keep quiet.
many teachers i’ve met and books i’ve read taught me not to listen to the voices in my head, to practice distancing myself from my thoughts and focus on being present. i’ve been practicing putting my mind in a little box for a long time, not listening to my thoughts, distancing myself as if they were not there, as if they didn’t exist. shut up, shut up, shut up. i don’t believe in that anymore. i believe that putting your thoughts away is denying a part of yourself.
i believe that your thoughts have something to tell you. maybe not all of them. and surely not as they’re being formulated. but you’re the one that shaped your mind, throughout the years and experiences. what you went through built your beliefs and conditioning. your thoughts are not random. in a way, they are a map of what’s been — and still is — important for you, conscious and unconscious. and a map to navigate through yourself is a precious gift.
the trap though is to stay on the surface. you’ll need to look for the root of your thoughts, what’s behind the thought itself, what part of you is talking and why. if you stay on the surface, the root of your thought will keep showing up in many different ways and wearing many different costumes, and you’ll keep jumping from one idea to another, putting bandages on bleeding wounds.
when i’m obsessed with my furnitures, i’m not really obsessed with my furnitures. if i stay on the surface and believe that i won’t feel home until i have the right shelves to put over my desk, i’ll spend hours and hours looking for the right shelves just to realize that as soon as i have them, my mind will find another item to be obsessed with. i truly have an endless list of things i need to have or to do to feel home in my new apartment.
we can never win the external battle because the external battle is just a reflection of the internal battle.
when i’m obsessed with my furnitures, i’m not really obsessed with my furnitures. buying new furnitures is the solution my mind has found to cope with what’s really bothering me on the inside. my mind is rarely right but it always points my internal battles out.
what’s behind the thought that’s telling me that i need a new shelf? who’s talking? what part of me is talking? what voice? what does this voice need? how can i help?
when you start listening to the voices in your head, you’ll realize that you have many different voices, many different characters. and that each voice comes from a different place, a different time of your life, and needs something different.
when i start listening to this voice in my mind that’s begging for new furnitures, i unravel the internal battle. i don’t feel home externally because i don’t feel home internally. and new furnitures won’t help me change that. i’m going through a time when i don’t feel safe living with myself. and that’s totally ok. safety comes and goes. but knowing that, i can give myself what i need. working on inhabiting myself is a totally different practice than shopping for furnitures.
building a relationship with your mind, with all the voices in your head, is a bumpy and challenging process. it asks for a lot of patience, and curiosity, and courage. it asks for endurance and inner strength. some voices will disappear as soon as you give them attention, some voices will come up as you go through new life experiences. it’s your inner family, your inner set-up, your very own landscape. none of these voices is you. but they all helped you become who you are.
try not responding to your thoughts as they are, try not identifying with the voices in your head, try not shutting them down either. when you shut down someone who really needs to talk, he usually talks louder until you take the time to listen. try to listen to your thoughts and to ask: who’s talking? what are you really saying? how can i help you?
being present is not about stopping to think. it’s not. it’s about receiving everything that is real in the moment. when you start receiving your thoughts, really receiving them for what they are, just thoughts, your mind slows down by itself. this is how you peacefully create space and silence.
i love you, always.
Camille
Dear me,
I have an allergy to roy and grass, which means that in the summertime, I can’t spend time outside without constantly sneezing and scratching my eyes. It makes me hate my body. And it makes me feel more and more separate from nature. It makes me hate spending time outside. Do you have an advice on how to handle this better? What does my body try to tell me here? And how can I accept it the way it is and love my body?
hi beautiful you,
i feel for you, i don’t know how i would react if i was allergic to grass and couldn’t spend time outside during summer. i can imagine how patient and resilient you have to be, you are brave and strong, and even braver for reaching out and sharing your experience.
i can’t tell you what your body is trying to tell you, it’s between you and your body. i think that you’re already know though. maybe not consciously yet, but the answer is already here. maybe take a moment to journal about it. i would ask myself these questions: how do you feel when your allergies are being triggered? how does your body feel? and if you go a bit beyond the external expression of the allergy — being grass — what are you really allergic to? who are you really allergic to?
i’m not allergic to anything, i can’t speak from experience, but i wonder if allergies could be an external expression of inner safety. do you feel safe to connect with nature? to connect with the nature that is in you, that is you? do you feel safe to go through life peacefully?
i completely understand that your first reaction is to reject and hate your body, and to feel separate from nature. but allergic reactions are a way that your body has found to communicate with you. can you practice receiving and listening? in the same way that your mind talks with thoughts, your body speaks with sensations. hating your body for having allergic reactions is like hating your body for talking to you. building a safe relationship with your body takes time. slowly slowly, can you practice listening and receiving your sensations? giving your body attention and reassurance. reminding yourself that besides these allergies, you body takes care of you every day. that your body exists just for you. your body loves you. practice seeing it, receiving it, not trying to change it.
and finally, can you find other ways to connect with nature? can you connect with water somehow? or animals? can you go to the beach? or just seat in the sun for a moment? nature is everywhere. if you open the door, you’ll find new ways to connect with nature, and so with yourself.
i hope it helps.
i am with you.
Camille
PS: i didn’t understand what you meant when you wrote you were allergic to roy. i asked my English friend if it was a typo, and she said that maybe you were allergic to a guy named Roy? ha!
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i’ve been searching for years to find a place where my mind would keep quiet; i’m going through a time when i don’t feel safe living with myself. and that’s totally ok. safety comes and goes. 🎀🤍🤍🎀 me too