July 18, 2021. Paris.
last weekend i did a 30-hour inversions training. i spent nearly 30 hours on my hands learning how to hold my body together to stand upside down. learning how to find balance on my hands helps me understand better what it means to find balance on my feet — not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. besides the physical performance, besides the feeling of playing around like a kid, practicing handstands teaches me how to regroup every piece of my body, every piece of me, all that i am, and to stand as a whole.
doing handstands is a very precise and demanding practice. if you forget to engage one tiny muscle, you lose balance and fall. i believe the same happens with you. if you don’t integrate even the tiniest version of who you’ve been, you lose balance in who you are.
we were 23 students. we were actually 23 yoga teachers being students for 30 hours. and it was amazing to observe the ego battle happening in people around me. it was amazing to observe the ego battle happening in me.
i had different voices talking in my mind and opposite feelings. the desire to learn as much as i could, to receive, to explore, to understand better. and on the other hand, the longing to be seen. i was surrounded with people doing for a living what i do for a living, what i want to do, what makes me feel home. i could see the pull to compete inside of me, the judgements, and the negative thoughts, all the things that tried to prevent me from receiving. i could hear this voice very distinctively in my mind: i want people to recognize how special i am.
wanting to be special is a very common human need. it comes from the need to exist. it is rooted in the fear of death. as humans, we want to be acknowledged, to matter, to leave a legacy, to leave proofs that we’ve existed. the need to be special is even deeper when as children we didn’t feel seen by our parents, which is a feeling shared by most of us. most of us have this inner child in our hearts begging for acknowledgment. the problem though is that most times the need to be special comes with a subtext: i am special and you’re not.
when you identify with the voices in your mind, when you identify with your humanity, you can’t dissociate this need to be special from you. and it pushes you to overachieve, to compete, to speak louder than others, to prove your points, to ask people to validate your existence. when you start observing, when you identify with your soul, you know that it’s just another layer of your human experience and you create the space to ask where it comes from.
you are special.
you really are.
you are special because you’re the only one like you.
you are special. so is everybody else.
the question that arises is then: if you are special and others are special, does that mean that nobody is? how can you feel special while knowing others are special too? how can you feel seen while seeing others?
on one side, there is dignity. dignity is: i have a story to tell. i have a voice to speak my truth into the world. i have a unique type of wisdom. i am a teacher.
physically speaking, dignity looks like: feet planted on the ground, heart open, throat open, shoulders back, ready to step forward and to lead people.
dignity is: i deserve to be seen.
on the other side, there is humility. humility is: i recognize the dignity in others. everybody has a story. everybody’s a teacher. i am a student.
physically, humility looks like: relaxed, receptive, soft front body, grounded in back body, senses open, hands open, ready to receive.
humility is: i see others.
now, equanimity is where dignity and humility meet.
it can look like this:
when your need to be seen is much more important than your ability to see others, you enter a state of posture. posture is based on blame. you blame others for not seeing you, which is basically blaming you for not seeing yourself. it usually sounds like: i am better than others.
when you see others much more than you see yourself, you enter a state of collapse. collapse is based on shame and sounds like: i am worthless.
when you’re really out of balance, you usually go back and forth from believing you’re better than others to believing you’re worthless. it works like a pendulum. you’ll go into blame as far as you go into shame. you can spend your whole life going back and forth, until you learn how to reduce the gap, how to find balance.
to reduce the gap, to enter the zone where you’re open to connection, the first step is to become aware. to observe. to listen to the voices talking in your mind. the second step is to practice non-reactivity. these voices are not you, you can welcome them and let them go. you can welcome them and ask: who’s talking? what do you need? how can i help?
at the end of the training, we had a graduation circle. the teachers gave each student their diploma and congratulated them. i waited my turn patiently, with this little pinch in my stomach every time a new name was about to be called, preparing to stand up in front of everybody and finally receive the recognition i had been longing for. they all got to stand up, they all got to receive their diploma and i was still waiting. everybody looked at me awkwardly, and i realized slowly that they had forgotten me. there was no diploma for me. ha! my inner child collapsed, i witnessed the voices in my mind talking fast and loud, some voices reminded me that i was invisible and worthless, some others that i was so special that nobody was good enough to see it. i witnessed my pendulum moving fast from shame to blame. i listened, i observed, my heart smiled. i held my hand, i reassured each and every voice inside of me, i hugged my inner child. i don’t need a diploma, i see myself. i stood up and went to hug the teachers, thanking them for the training. i knew i didn’t need their recognition anymore. i had me, all of me, holding myself together. and because i had me, i could see them.
i like to believe that it was not a coincidence, that it was the way life chose to tell me that i was ready. lesson learnt, you’re ready to move on.
the secret is always the same, and it’s not really a secret anymore. it all relies on the relationship you build with yourself. how to regroup every piece of you, all that you are, and stand as a whole. soon enough you’ll realize that you don’t need people to acknowledge you, you need you to acknowledge yourself. if you give yourself all that you need, you don’t need anything from anybody anymore. if you see yourself, you don’t need others to see you. if you truly believe that you are special, you don’t need to prove it, you don’t need others to confirm it. if you truly believe that others are special, you’re finally free to learn from them and to love with a wide open heart.
every day is a new journey. you’ll never be the same person twice in your life. every second is full of new experiences. if you allow it, if you let yourself be open, if you allow life to pass through you, every second changes the way you see life and yourself. therefore your balance is ever changing. every day you navigate through yourself to find your balance. some days your balance is easier to find. some days you wake up very close to your center, while other days you’re deep into blame or shame. exactly like handstands. exactly like standing on one foot. some days i wake up and can stand on one leg with my eyes closed for hours. while other days i can’t even lift one foot of the floor. this is how it works. the days when you’re very far from your center are just the days when you need time to process, to reassess, to deal with the new information life has been giving you. it’s all there, inside of you, it’s all part of your story.
what is true though is that the more you practice finding your balance, the more you build inner strength, the easier it becomes. exactly like handstands. exactly like standing on one foot. the more you practice holding your body together, holding yourself together, as a whole, the less you’ll need others to hold you.
i see me. i see you. i see us.
and when i see us, i see love. always.
Camille
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#30 - How can i be special if you're special too?
I’m so glad that you also see the connection of the art of hand balancing with the art of balancing ( in life, with others and with yourself). All that you wrote resonates with me! 🤸🏼♂️ Our strength comes from within. 🙃
Beautiful 💐