July 25, 2021. Paris.
i’ve been seeing this amazing woman that reads what is stored in your body. a close friend of mine told me about her a few months ago. she didn’t say much about what she was doing, just that she had helped her a lot on her journey by working with and through the body. it was mysterious enough. officially this woman is an osteopath, this is what is written on her door. but she meets you wherever you are on your journey.
the first time i went to see her, it was a few months ago, i was living at my mother’s house, i was working on my relationship with my inner child and revisiting my childhood traumas. this is where she met me. she had me lying down on her table. she put her hands over me and she entered my body. i wasn’t alone in my body anymore, she was there with me. she started talking and said out loud all the things i had been feeling as a child, all the things i had never told anyone, not even myself, all the things i’ve been hearing in myself for years and years, using the exact same words. the exact same expressions. the same language. she read what was inside of me, written in the tissues of my body, like you read a book.
the second time i went to see her was a few days ago. she had me lying down, she put her hands over me and she entered my body. she immediately said that we wouldn’t be able to go very deep this time because i had several layers of fear stacked over my heart. i’ve been on the surface for a few weeks already, stuck in my mind, not being able to be present and to focus, this wasn’t really a surprise. more a disappointment. when something doesn’t feel very right, you always look for a magic formula, for people to tell you what to do, how to heal, you look for a shortcut. but there is no magic formula, there is no medication — and for the record no vaccin either — you have to go in, you have to get your hands dirty, to confront what you really don’t want to see. the only way out is through.
she said that the first layer was the fear of my light, the fear of my talent, the fear of being my true self and showing the world who i really am. she put her hands on my solar plexus and strongly pushed. it became physically painful. i hated it, the pain, the fear, the moment, her, all of it.
she said that the second layer was the fear of others, the fear of other people’s judgement, the fear of trying to be me again and being hurt again. she asked me to forgive all the people that had been hurting me by not receiving me as i am. she asked to inhale deeply through my nose and exhale through my mouth, to forgive them out of love and to let them go.
she said that the third layer, the deepest one, was the fear of myself, the fear of my own judgement, the fear of disappointing myself again. she asked me to forgive myself for not receiving me as i am. and said that i was the one hurting myself the most. she started tapping with the tips of her fingers over my heart space. it became more and more painful. it was painful physically but it was even more painful to realize how obvious it was. i didn’t want to go there. i still don’t. i didn’t want to see it. but i knew it was true the second she said it. i am the one hurting myself the most.
i am walking through life protecting myself from others. i protect myself from the people i meet, from situations, from opportunities sometimes, from how the things i create and put out there into the world are going to be received. i have thoughts like: what if they can’t receive me? what if she doesn’t understand me? what if he’s disappointed in me?
but what’s truly behind it is: what if i can’t receive myself? what if i don’t understand myself? what if i disappoint myself?
i am walking through life protecting myself from myself.
how can i love myself unconditionally while being afraid of my own judgement? it doesn’t make sense. and yet i resist it so much i know it’s accurate. resistances are like guardians, they protect you from what you don’t want to see.
the part in me that loves me unconditionally and the part in me that judges my every move are two different parts living under the same roof. on one hand, there is my heart. on the other hand, there is my mind.
i am not really walking through life protecting myself from myself. i am walking through life protecting myself from my mind. i am protecting myself from my patterns, my beliefs, my insecurities and my mechanisms. i am protecting myself from this part in me that is not rooted in love.
this past week, the same event happened twice. i saw across the street people that i used to know, that used to be close friends of mine. i felt the joy to go meet them and say hi. i wanted to walk toward them, i was about to but couldn’t move. it felt like my heart was ready to connect while my body was stuck. i saw them passing by until it was too late to catch them. it didn’t feel nice. i wondered why, what was stopping me. it took me a little while to realize i had this belief that i wasn’t where i was supposed to be in my life, and a feeling of shame coming out of it. and that it was preventing me from moving. what if they see it too? i felt the opposition between my heart full of love and my mind full of judgements.
i have many other examples and i’m sure you do too, but this is a great one because nothing happened. i stayed on my side of the street, not moving, not interacting, not doing anything. the story i told myself in my mind and my belief were stronger than my desire to experience life. how crazy is that?
these two times i saw it, i was still trapped in the pattern and didn’t move but i could observe it, which means that slowly i can change it. but i think about all the times in my life when i didn’t see it, all those times when i prevented myself from experiencing life because i was afraid of my own judgement, all those times when i unconsciously hurt myself. this is what i need to forgive myself for.
when i think about receiving myself as i am, i think about what i do, what i write, what i teach, what i create, the life i’m building for myself now and i couldn’t really understand what i had to forgive myself for. i love what i’m aware of. i love who i’m aware of being. i couldn’t see it until now. i need to forgive myself for the times when i wasn’t aware, for the times when i’m still not aware, for the times when i’m aware and still don’t find the strength to love myself enough.
a few days ago, a friend of my father that i had never met before wrote me to ask if i could teach her a private yoga class the next day. i started writing that i wasn’t available. i started thinking about some excuses to explain why i wasn’t available. i was about to sent the text. and then stopped. i asked myself why i was lying. i was available. i felt the fear in my heart and understood that it was where the lie had been coming from. i deleted my text and said yes. my mind freaked out while my heart smiled. it was a great class and i’m so happy i taught it, but i know that many times i said no, many times my fears won over my heart.
i’ve been wondering why i had been stuck in my mind lately. and why, while i keep practicing as much as usual, using every tool i have in my toolbox, i hadn’t been able to find a steady connection to myself yet. i guess this is why. i need to be stuck in my mind to see that, to accept that, to release those fears.
i’m not going to release my self-judgement right away, i’ve been judging myself for more than thirty years, i’ve been believing in my limiting core beliefs for more than thirty years. it will take time, patience and a lot of practice. but in the meantime, i can accept that i’ve been hurting myself, and that while i hurt myself i also did the very best i could with what i knew at the time. i can practice self-compassion again and again and again to finally find the inner strength to forgive myself.
may you find the inner strength to forgive yourself too.
i love you,
Camille
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