August 8, 2021. Paris.
for the past week i had to nap every afternoon. i just had to lie down, close my eyes, and i was gone. i fell asleep in almost every one of my yoga practices and meditation has been kind of a torture. it reminded me of some classes during high school when you had to fight very hard not to fall asleep. one second i’m here and the next my body is very slowly and lovingly drifting like a dead weight. i need to rest, i’m not sure my body is the one who needs to rest the most though. it doesn’t feel like physical exhaustion, it’s something else.
it’s been a bit more than a year now that i’ve been loosing my sight. my left eye is pretty much the same than before, i’m loosing my sight just from one eye, my right eye. it started when i was still living in Tel Aviv during the first lockdown and it didn’t bother me much at first, i was still seeing enough. when i moved back to Paris, it got worst. my eyes started to feel very tired, heavy to carry. i went to see an eye doctor. he said that the imbalance between my eyes was very exhausting, he gave me glasses and said to wear them when needed. i’ve reached a point now where i can’t go out without my glasses, i can’t see what’s written across the street. i’ve been trying to work on it, i leave my glasses home once in a while to practice, but i end up very tired and feeling kind of sad.
it’s not that common to lose sight just from one eye the way i’m loosing mine. the eye doctor asked me many questions about it, if i was working with a screen just on one side, if i was doing a job that was asking more from my right than my left, and more of that. but i know it’s not mechanic, it’s emotional.
i’m loosing my sight because i don’t want to see anymore. i don’t want to see what’s around me, what has been happening, what is still happening. and this is why i’m exhausted. because i’m resisting with all the strength i have. i’m like this little kid that doesn’t want to leave the playground, that hugs the pole with all her strength, crying and begging her mother to let her stay. i’m holding onto the world as i thought it was with all my strength, crying and begging myself to let me stay. i don’t want to see the world as it really is, as it is now. i’m not interested. not at all.
it’s not new. i’ve always felt like i wasn’t interested in living in this world. but i could manage it somehow, i was slightly in denial, slightly compromising, i was able to find a balance. the covid changed that. i’ve been trying to find a new compromise since the first lockdown but it hasn’t been working very well so far. it’s not possible anymore. i can’t unsee what i already saw.
i’m still aware of all the beautiful things that are around me, i see them, i feel them, i’m in love with people and animals and plants and all the manifestations of nature. but i need to accept the rest. i need to see, to process, to integrate. i can’t only take what i like and deny what i don’t. this is not how it works.
the world may not be what i thought it was, what i’d want it to be, but it is what it is. i can still be happy, i can do my part, i can do my best, i can spread love where i see fear, i can still believe in love while i see fear.
i’m grieving the world as i thought it was. i’m grieving and it’s painful. i’m going through every stage of grief and slowly i allow myself to let go. letting go is much more difficult that holding onto. letting go asks for inner safety and trust. it is somehow easier to hug the pole with all your strength than to face your emotions. i feel angry, i feel so angry, and i feel sad.
a few weeks back, i went to see this amazing woman that helped me work on some of my fears — i wrote about it here. we talked about the fear of my light, the fear of my talent, the fear of being myself and showing the world who i am. i’ve been working a lot on what it meant to be myself, to stay true to who i am, to be who i was made to be. this is what i write the most about. but there was a part i was missing. how can i unconditionally be me in a world that i accept with conditions? how can i ask a world that i don’t want to see to see me?
i need to make peace. seeing the world as it is won’t change what i believe in. love is here, love is me, love is you, love is this moment. love is not something i can possess, therefore it is not something i can lose. if i have doubts, if i stop believing in love for a minute, it’s ok too, i’ll find my way back. i trust my faith enough to let me see now. seeing the world as it is won’t change who i am either. it may actually be the opposite. accepting every part of the world i’m living in will allow me to release my judgement and my fear of being judged, it will free me.
this is all i have for this week.
love, of course.
Camille
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