August 18, 2021. Paris.
there is this newsletter i subscribed to, written by this woman named Ava, she’s a great writer, her newsletters are great, i love reading them, but most times i don’t. when i read them, i have this pinch in my solar plexus, a very uncomfortable sensation, a little voice down there that pulls me down by saying that her writing is better than mine or sometimes that mine is better than hers. i realized lately that i hadn’t been reading anyone’s newsletter for a while because i couldn’t help but compare, which i’m not sure i’m ready to admit but i’m here anyway.
hi, my name is Camille and i feel jealousy.
i’ve never considered myself being the jealous type. not the jealousy we tend to see in movies. i’ve never wanted something someone else had, not literally. i’ve never schemed, cheated, been mean on purpose, sabotaged, or even lied. i’m pretty sure i’ve never even had a fight with a friend or boyfriend because of jealousy. and probably most of you feel the same way. the interpretation of jealousy we see in movies and books and culture in general is so extreme, we can’t relate to that.
jealousy has very bad reputation. in French we have this famous expression that says: jealousy is an ugly flaw. mothers say that to their children a lot. when you look at the definition of jealousy in the dictionary, this is what you get: a feeling of unhappiness and anger because someone has something or someone that you want. which is also quite basic and shallow.
jealousy is judged for what it makes people do and not for what it is. jealousy is not a flaw, it’s an emotion. feeling jealousy is very normal, it’s part of human nature. it’s not a comfortable emotion but like any other emotion, it’s there to tell you something. and it runs much deeper than wanting something someone else has.
i’ve been observing jealousy for a few months, what it is, where it comes from and how it manifests. jealousy hides very well. it hides so well that most times we feel it and don’t even know it’s there. when i finally allowed myself to see the jealousy i had in me, i started seeing it in people around me. i realized that jealousy was hiding behind comparison, and comparison is everywhere.
we constantly compare to one another. and social media has been a huge accelerator of that. we spend most of our time showing what we have, wanting people to look at what we show, looking at what other people show, and wondering what’s better. comparison always implies a hierarchy. when you compare yourself to someone else, one is going to have more than the other. this is the mathematic definition of a comparison. and this is where jealousy enters. if you’re the one who has less, you’ll tend to feel jealous of the one that has more. if you’re the one who has more, you’ll tend to want the other one to feel jealous of you.
my friend Mara came to visit for a few days. she’s one of my closest friend, we met during our yoga teacher training and i love her unconditionally. she’s one of the few friends i have with who i have no doubts, i know she’s here, i know she knows i’m here, the question never even came. when she was in Paris, we went to have dinner at my dad’s. Mara is Italian, she speaks a bit of French but we always spoke in English. my father doesn’t speak English, and my father’s friends that were also there at diner didn’t speak English either. Mara spoke the little French she knew, she was open and alive and full of joy. she shared with my father and his friends. she didn’t need to understand the language to communicate and be present. i was amazed. the next day, i told her: “you’re so open and loving in the way you communicate with people, i wish i could be more like you.” which really sounded like a compliment in my mind. but the minute i heard myself say it i realized that it wasn’t. if i really wanted to compliment Mara, i would have said: “you’re so open and loving in the way you communicate with people” and stopped there. it would have been about her, and just about her. when i added “i wish i could be more like you”, i added me in the equation, i compared myself to her, it became about me.
i have this other friend Laura that is full of wisdom, i usually go to her when i need to talk or have a question. i trust her with all my heart and more than once, she has helped me see things i couldn’t see myself. but every time we talk, every time she responds to something i share with her, she says things like: “i’ve been there a few years ago” or “i’ve dealt with that when i was a teenager” or “i know what you’re talking about but i don’t have this problem anymore”. it didn’t bother me at first, it was rather inspiring, but over time it became oppressive. it made me feel that somehow i was less than her, because she had already done it, already been there, already passed a long time ago what i was going through now. she was implicitly comparing her journey to mine, she was adding her in the equation and it was becoming about her.
the need for comparison, and therefore jealousy, is rooted in a very common insecurity, which is: i am not enough.
if i had what Mara has, i’d feel better about myself. if i had more, i’d be enough. if i show Laura that i’d be better if i had what she has, she’d feel better about herself. since you have less than me, i’m enough.
jealousy is pretty basic and harmless. it asks for reassurance. when you feel jealous of someone, what’s happening deep down is you needing to see yourself. when someone wants you to feel jealous of them, which is similar to when someone feels jealous of you, they ask you to see them, so them to see themselves. when you don’t take the time to feel and process your emotions, whether it is jealousy or anger or any other emotion for that matter, you usually react to them. and this is what we see in movies. we see men and women becoming erratic, asking questions, forbidding things, being more and more possessive, scheming, lying, plotting, etc. this is not what jealousy is. this is how people react to jealousy.
when you start seeing jealousy in you, when you take the time to feel and process, you can give yourself what you need and jealousy dissolves. when you start seeing jealousy in others, you can choose. i can choose now to give my friend Laura the acknowledgement she needs or not. i can ask myself if this is something i want to do, if i have the inner space to do it and if giving her what she needs will still let me find a balance in our relationship. maybe you’ll end some relationships, maybe you’ll understand better others, maybe you’ll change the dynamic or set new boundaries to relationships that haven’t been feeling right.
a few months ago i heard that my ex-boyfriend was marrying an old friend of mine. even though i wouldn’t marry him now, my first reaction was to wonder what she had more than me, why her and not me. i had many dreams about them getting divorce. it took me a few weeks to distance myself from the emotion, to reassure myself, to integrate that it had nothing to do with me. when i felt safe again, i found love in my heart for them, wishing them the very best.
when my friend Mara left, i took a moment to feel what was there, to ask myself what this comparison was about. i saw Mara, i saw myself. i saw how beautiful Mara is in who she is and how beautiful i am in who i am. Mara is not more than me, i am not less than Laura, we are different. each of us, all of us, we are beautiful in our differences.
when you know that you are enough, that what you have is enough, you don’t compare yourself anymore. you don’t need to. you see yourself, you see people around you, you don’t want what you don’t have because what you have is enough. when people around you compare themselves to you, you know that it’s not about you.
take a moment to look around you. to observe when you feel the need to compare. if you still do it in your mind for a while, that’s ok. practice not doing it out loud anymore. when you feel the pull to compare, when you feel jealousy in your heart, stop for a moment and give yourself what you need. remember how beautiful you are, exactly who you’re supposed to be, enough since day one.
i see you.
always,
Camille
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Your thoughts and your insight on your emotions and on people and things around you is superlative, Camille. Your description of me is so moving and it was nice to read how I behave in an environment that is new to me! :)
Sometimes I use the sentence ‘ I’m so jealous of you’ by meaning ‘I’m so happy for you’. I’m so happy for you, Camille! I’m so happy about our friendship, I’m ao happy about how we accept one another unconditionally! Love you, my dearest sister! ❤️